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This post will take a couple minutes of your time but it's been a long time since I have blogged and I think it might be worth the few minutes. Also feel free to share.
I often lie awake at night and ask myself, 'Why? Why did Ellie have to be the kid that lost her life to cancer?' It plays in my head like a scratched record, over and over. I always try to answer my question; I try to give an explanation to myself, so it all makes sense. The answer isn’t always the same, but it always seems to be along the same lines. So, after being up since 3 am with the recurring question, I thought I would wake up, grab my computer, and share with you the explanation that came into my head this morning. The explanation that helps me get through my days. The explanation that can only make sense of why she had to leave me so early in life. And here we go. Ellie brought people together. Yes, Ellie was shy, but somehow her kindness and quietness rallied a town and surrounding areas. At a time when our future of humanity was in question, when people who do not have the same beliefs could not be in the same room and get along, Ellie and her medical condition brought people together. But not only did she bring people together, people actually put their differences aside and laughed and enjoyed each other's company for a greater cause. Now, this is when she was alive, so I can only imagine that was the explanation for why she had to have a brain tumor and spent most of her life in the hospital fighting. But that doesn’t answer the question of why she had to leave me. I mean, why couldn’t she live her whole life bringing people together to rally for a little girl that was fighting a brain tumor? Why wasn’t that enough? The answer to this question always comes to me in February. Yes, February, it's almost like a light bulb goes off. It always comes to me at the Elliestrong Forever fundraiser. Seeing the immense support from the community, friends, and family to help others battling cancer. She was just the match that lit the flame of support for these families. The flame has continued to grow and is a full-on fire of love and support thanks to everyone that continues to put logs on the fire and support the mission. Now, why am I up at 3 am today? Well, because the Elliestrong forever fundraiser is exactly one month away. And today is the deadline for the early bird price. On a day-to-day basis, the air is taken right out of me like I was just sucker-punched. The only way the air comes back in me is through my family, friends, & the Elliestrong Forever Foundation. And the fundraiser is like an oxygen tank; it brings me back to life. It leaves a lasting warm feeling in my heart and reminds me what my amazing daughter has done; it gives her loss a purpose and a reason why it had to happen the way it did. Without the loss of Ellie, I would never have started the foundation; I would never have helped over 40 local cancer families in the short 5 years since she has been gone. If you are reading this, you must have some kind of love for Ellie, some kind of love for me, some kind of love for the cause. And if that’s the case, then you belong at the Elliestrong Forever Fundraiser on February 10th at Heroes West Lemont (1015 State St., Lemont, IL) because I have an oxygen tank, and I promise the event will give you a breath of fresh air. I remember a friend at last year’s fundraiser came over to me and said something to the effect, 'Kyle, this, all this is for Ellie. It gives me chills.' It is a night to celebrate Ellie and give meaning to the great loss we have had in our lives but also serves as a night of fun while raising funds for cancer families. Families that also need a little breathing room or oxygen. Families that need us to come together and rally around them so they can get that much-needed air to keep the fight going. Families that just need a night of fun. So, I am asking, I am begging, let's pack this place. The event space is 20,000 square feet and can comfortably hold 750 people. Our normal venues typically can squeeze 225 people in, but this year we have the space, so let's show these families some love. Make this magical night exactly that, Magic. Let's work together to give Ellie’s life meaning while giving these families what they need - some much-needed love, assistance, and a night of fun. Because this is the only way losing Ellie makes any sense. Oh and I forgot to mention the most exciting party Early bird price is $65 and it includes 5 hours open bar, appetizer buffet, bowling (shoe rental), Billiards, D.J., Dancing (ok well you have to supply your own dancing but we will supply the rest) Order your tickets by clicking on the link This post will take a couple minutes of your time but it's been a long time since I have blogged and I think it might be worth the few minutes. I often lie awake at night and ask myself, 'Why? Why did Ellie have to be the kid that lost her life to cancer?' It plays in my head like a scratched record, over and over. I always try to answer my question; I try to give an explanation to myself, so it all makes sense. The answer isn’t always the same, but it always seems to be along the same lines. So, after being up since 3 am with the recurring question, I thought I would wake up, grab my computer, and share with you the explanation that came into my head this morning. The explanation that helps me get through my days. The explanation that can only make sense of why she had to leave me so early in life. And here we go. Ellie brought people together. Yes, Ellie was shy, but somehow her kindness and quietness rallied a town and surrounding areas. At a time when our future of humanity was in question, when people who do not have the same beliefs could not be in the same room and get along, Ellie and her medical condition brought people together. But not only did she bring people together, people actually put their differences aside and laughed and enjoyed each other's company for a greater cause. Now, this is when she was alive, so I can only imagine that was the explanation for why she had to have a brain tumor and spent most of her life in the hospital fighting. But that doesn’t answer the question of why she had to leave me. I mean, why couldn’t she live her whole life bringing people together to rally for a little girl that was fighting a brain tumor? Why wasn’t that enough? The answer to this question always comes to me in February. Yes, February, it's almost like a light bulb goes off. It always comes to me at the Elliestrong Forever fundraiser. Seeing the immense support from the community, friends, and family to help others battling cancer. She was just the match that lit the flame of support for these families. The flame has continued to grow and is a full-on fire of love and support thanks to everyone that continues to put logs on the fire and support the mission. Now, why am I up at 3 am today? Well, because the Elliestrong forever fundraiser is exactly one month away. And today is the deadline for the early bird price. On a day-to-day basis, the air is taken right out of me like I was just sucker-punched. The only way the air comes back in me is through my family, friends, & the Elliestrong Forever Foundation. And the fundraiser is like an oxygen tank; it brings me back to life. It leaves a lasting warm feeling in my heart and reminds me what my amazing daughter has done; it gives her loss a purpose and a reason why it had to happen the way it did. Without the loss of Ellie, I would never have started the foundation; I would never have helped over 40 local cancer families in the short 5 years since she has been gone. If you are reading this, you must have some kind of love for Ellie, some kind of love for me, some kind of love for the cause. And if that’s the case, then you belong at the Elliestrong Forever Fundraiser on February 10th at Heroes West because I have an oxygen tank, and I promise the event will give you a breath of fresh air. I remember a friend at last year’s fundraiser came over to me and said something to the effect, 'Kyle, this, all this is for Ellie. It gives me chills.' It is a night to celebrate Ellie and give meaning to the great loss we have had in our lives but also serves as a night of fun while raising funds for cancer families. Families that also need a little breathing room or oxygen. Families that need us to come together and rally around them so they can get that much-needed air to keep the fight going. Families that just need a night of fun. So, I am asking, I am begging, let's pack this place. The event space is 20,000 square feet and can comfortably hold 750 people. Our normal venues typically can squeeze 225 people in, but this year we have the space, so let's show these families some love. Make this magical night exactly that, Magic. Let's work together to give Ellie’s life meaning while giving these families what they need - some much-needed love, assistance, and a night of fun. Because this is the only way losing Ellie makes any sense. Oh and I forgot to mention the most exciting party Early bird price is $65 and it includes 5 hours open bar, appetizer buffet, bowling (shoe rental), Billiards, D.J., Dancing (ok well you have to supply your own dancing but we will supply the rest) Order your tickets by clicking on the link https://www.liveonfollowyourdreams.com If you cannot make it but wish to contribute you can click on this link to the elliestrong paypal page and donate. https://www.paypal.com/donate?hosted_button_id=8VLTNWM59ERM8 It has been a long time and WAY OVER DUE... Every day I struggle with missing Ellie along with balancing happiness and joy with our little bundle of joy Ethan Kage. I cannot imagine my life without Kage but at same time I wish Ellie was here. I often feel so guilty for the feelings I have but I know I am not alone. Many families that have lost a child go through this and we just are lucky enough to have a little bundle of joy to bring happiness and a little peace to our hearts. People often praise me for the foundation and the good we do in this community, but I don’t need or want praise. I do it for the simple fact that I want to Give back and keep Ellie’s name & memory relevant in this world now and forever. This year’s fundraiser is such a joy to work on but at same time so much pressure as I want to make it the biggest and best because the main recipient Jenna Treanor has always been one of those people that will bend over backwards to help, while not complaining and while fighting cancer herself. Every time I think of Why? Why does this happen to good people? Why doesn’t this happen to murders and felons? Sometimes I don’t have an answer, but for the most part I remind myself how much good, kindness comes out of good people getting cancer. What I mean by that is that people show up and show their best selves while helping someone like Jenna and Ellie. when they have an inspirational kind person that is fighting cancer, they get inspired to do good because how could you not look at Ellie and Jenna and not want to do good and show your support? How can you not admire their strength perseverance and kindness? I have seen so much Love, support, and the good in people since Ellie was diagnosed. It makes this world so much brighter and happier for me. It brings hope in humanity. If you ever turn on the news and see all the negative and think wow this world and the people in it are going to hell in a handbasket, just open up this page and see the kindness, open hearts, the generosity and know that there is still amazing people and good people they are just not highlighted on TV. We need to highlight the good in this world to inspire more good. So today I ask you to take a moment and post on the Facebook page a Act of Kindness you have experienced or someone that has shown good in this world. Share these stories so we as a community can keep our hearts positive and the realization that humanity is still good. I am blessed to see this every day through the foundation. Through the committee members, through the teen committee members, through the thousands of toiletry donations, through the kindness and heartfelt letters I get, and through the donations. But I want to give you a little piece of what I get to experience every day the GOOD IN PEOPLE. As always I continue my work through the foundation and through our annual fundraiser. If you wish to donate a Raffle, Silent Auction, a bottle of hard liquor, cash, or buy a Ticket for our amazing event please go to www.elliestrongforever.com or email me [email protected]
Today was Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating being a mom. It is a difficult day to say the least when one of your children is missing from the equation. How do you cope, how do you get through the day? No easy answer to these questions. No possible way you can get through the day without feeling half empty. But I do my best to pretend. Talking to other Bereaved Parents, which I do often, I have learned one thing. Us bereaved Moms spend so many days pretending everything is ok. We pretend for our other children to help them move on and forward in life. We pretend for our spouses so that we spare them more pain, we pretend for our friends as no one wants to hear your pain and suffering. No one wants to be a “Debbie Downer” The problem with pretending is it gets physically and mentally exhausting after a while. So how do I cope. How do I get through the day? I nap, and pretend, nap some more, pretend some more, and wait for the day to be over. Do I want to be able to genially celebrate this day just like everyone else, Yes? Realistically I don’t know if I ever will be able to celebrate like we used to. Today we went to the 2nd busiest place on Mother’s Day, the cemetery. We went to visit Ellie and as we sat and spoke to my baby, the girl that made me a mother, the girl that brought this title to reality. As I sat there I kept on thinking to myself how can this be, how can this be my future of all mothers’ days from now and forever. It is unfortunately the reality I live with on a day-to-day basis. What brings me closer to my daughter is seeing how much she was loved, her spirit and her fight, how much she inspired others. Her spirit inspires me to live my life. Not many that have buried their children can say their child made an impact on this world, but I can. I do have a fear every day that her memory will fade. Fade not with me but with the community, family, & friends. I think that is why I gravitate to memories and photos that people post on the #elliestrong forever page. It keeps her memory alive and strong and there for helps me be strong in a sense. So please keep posting photos or stories of inspiration etc. Help me keep her memory alive. Keep your eyes open Lemont as Green bows and signs are coming in Lemont for Ellie’s birthday. As we drove we saw a bunch up already. I do want to wish all those Mother’s Out there a Happy Mother’s Day. And to my fellow Bereaved Mothers I wish you a peace and glimpse of some happiness on this day. Also, I wish you a quick Mother’s Day. • Save the Date: Ellie’s Birthday Celebration this year Sunday, May 23rd Next Mex – more details to come.. • Also, the #elliestrong forever garden can use some volunteers to weed and water. Here is the link to sign up https://www.signupgenius.com/go/30e0e4aaca829a5fb6-water2 I attached a map so you can see where the garden is located. It is a great thing to do with family, friends, Kid groups, etc. It truly is a special place to visit.  Every day is not roses, flowers, & sunshine. And this week has been clouds, storms, and an overcast as bad news after bad news has come through. An amazing person and dear friend passed from cancer this week. I am sad for anyone that never got the opportunity to meet Diane as she was so full of life and spirit. And love, love for everyone especially kids. Diane also had MS and was fighting cancer. This week we also found out of some others that I know fighting cancer has progressed. It’s so hard because all these are triggers for me. Needless to say, getting up and going this week has been a hard thing as my heart is breaking not only for so many because I have been in their shoes and I do not wish that upon anyone. To top things off this week is the anniversary of Ellie’s death so we are processing those feelings. So, I have been extremely down lately, but we had our big 20 weeks Ultrasound Friday. It helped put a fresh perspective on everything for me. This is the Ultrasound I have been waiting for. The one that I needed to get through. I had such anxiety about something being wrong with the baby. This comes from PTSD with Ellie but also I have known several people that get to this ultrasound and find out there is something majorly wrong. Dave and I have been so excited for the baby (And a little bit of nervousness) but holding back on the excitement because you just never know. The Ultrasound: My sister and I get put into a room at the hospital. I practice my excitement/nervous breaths telling myself “Breathe in, breathe out” as we wait for the technician to come in. Then she arrives and the Ultrasound begins. I find myself looking for anything (You know I have watched my share of ER & Greys Anatomy. So, I do think of myself as some kind of expert) that is off on the scan. She starts with the legs and says, “Wow this baby has some long legs” My response “Really? He is Asian how can that be, as I chuckle”. Then the Heart, she tells us that she specializes in hearts and that surrogacy pregnancies usually have more of a chance to have something wrong with the heart, but this babies heart looks perfect” Tears, lots and lots of tears at this point. A sense of relief but we are not done yet. She moves onto the brain and measures everything as I watch I notice myself looking very carefully for anything that would resemble a tumor again PTSD does some strange things to a person’s mind. I don’t see anything but then again take into consideration my ability to read ultrasounds is low to none. So, I guess I can’t call myself an expert. She goes on to measure all the different components of the body. Again, I find myself tearing up. This is what they call my Rainbow Baby, the baby that is going to breathe fresh life into our family. The baby that has an angel watching over him. Him yes him, we have known it’s a boy, but I never fully announced it. Jake is super excited to have another boy around here. As for me I am just feeling so blessed to have this opportunity to be a mom again even though I am outnumbered at least our dogs are girls. She then says I will go get the doctor and he will talk to you about the ultrasound. Everything she spoke about was pretty positive but it’s not really her job to give the bad news so one more step one more hurtles before I can release all the tension and concern. This is where it gets to be an amazing moment. God works in mysterious ways. The doctor walks in and says Hi Mrs. Shoup do you remember me. That’s right he knew my sister, his children now practically adults now did martial arts under my brother-in-law years ago. This doctor and his kids where at my sister’s wedding celebration 18 years ago. We were both in awe, he turned to me and said you must be her sister. I nodded. I have read about Ellie, my eyes open wide in awe, you know about my Ellie I think in my head. He then continues to go on and say he was sorry for my loss but what an amazing thing this baby is. And then the best words to come out of a doctor’s mouth. Everything looks fantastic at this point. He then continues to tell us that he took an extra look at the brain and then went through everything piece by piece with me to show me that the brain is perfect at this point. I felt like I had been holding my breath for 20 weeks just waiting for this one perfect moment to happen. So many people have asked me to have you thought about a name. my response not until the big ultrasound, So, I leave you with these incredible photos of my miracle baby we cannot wait to bring into the world, and I can now get fully excited because the chances of this baby coming and being perfect are so high. I wanted to thank everyone for the amazing love, support, and messages I received you have no idea how each message made me feel at ease about this whole thing. How do I make this announcement? While we are ecstatic for our new adventures for our family we wish Ellie was here to share in the joy. I wanted to give some background on this exciting news and information. Our family is growing to 5, yes 5 because although Elie is no longer with us she is and always will be huge part of our family. How does this all come to, you ask? When Ellie and Jake were younger Dave and I wanted a third child, but god had a different plan for us. As my MS took affect and then Ellie got sick Dave and I at that point decided it would be selfish to have a child instead we dug down and focused on getting Ellie healthy. After Ellie’s passing I was just talking out loud to my sister and said, “I really want another child, for so many reasons”. My sister’s response without even hesitating “I will carry it for you”. I was in shock and disbelief. I knew with my MS carrying a child could get complicated although my Doctor did say she would pump me with steroids right after the baby was born and hopefully that would hold off the aftereffects that MS plays after having a baby. With my sister offering this made more sense. Now it was time to bring it up to Dave. Keep in mind this was not that long after losing Ellie, but I knew that we had a small window as I was not getting any younger and time was a factor. When I mentioned it to Dave he was hesitant and said no. In Dave’s mind he was thinking you are trying to replace Ellie and in my mind I was adding to our family giving our son a sibling to bond with and have when we are no longer here. Well, he pondered on it for a few weeks, and I dropped it thinking ok I guess it’s not going to happen. Then one day he came to me and said “Yes, let’s do it” I was in shock and disbelief because in my head I put the idea to rest. It was still not a done deal there were so many hoops to jump through. First we Started with talking with our son. He expressed several times he didn’t want to be an only child, but was this just a phase? Was it because he lost his only sibling a few months prior? We sat down with Jake and spoke with him about the idea and before we could finish explaining he was a resounding YES, YES, YES I want a brother or sister please. Lots of talking happened explaining that it was not a done deal, and we would give it a try and see where it took us. We figured we would try and if god had it in the cards it would happen. The process didn’t stop there it was just the beginning, why am I going through this and explaining this because I want you all to know that none of this was taken lightly and we went through all avenues to make sure we were doing the right thing for us, our family, and our son.. With the help with my parents financially, insurance, and my sister offering this amazing gift things were on the way. Before we could move forward lots of phycologist appointments, and social work appointments happened. Ones with Dave, Myself, & Jake, ones with just me, ones with Dave and I as a couple, ones with my sister and her husband. You name it we wanted to check all boxes before starting the process. I then had to get approval from my neurologist, and she was a resounding yes. Another part of the puzzle piece falling into place. You might remember how I wrote that I met a young lady battling brain cancer in the doctor’s office and I felt Ellie’s presence well that encounter was at the fertility center. At that point It felt right it felt like Ellie was giving us her blessing. Keeping this a secret and going through the process was probably the hardest part of everything, the injections, the doctors upon doctors’ appointments. We ended up with 17 eggs. But then if you have gone through this process you would know that after a few days they call you and that number dwindles down so it ended up after 7 days 3 eggs made the cut, but Dave and I sent the eggs to be tested because we all too well knew that it was so important to help us have a healthy baby. Then the call comes in 3 weeks later and the results are in. The nurse calls and says, “you have 1 perfect egg.” 1 chance here, if it was meant to be, it was meant to be and if not god had a plan. Now it was my sisters turn to begin the injections and if you know my sister you would know this was an enormous sacrifice she is so scared of shots that her husband would have to take the kids to the doctor to get the vaccines because she couldn’t be in the room. Then COVID hit and the process stalled. Kelli and I were wondering if this were ever going to happen. Our perfect embryo was sitting in a freezer just waiting for the elective surgeries to be allowed again. And then the phone call happened, and it was time. Kelli had to give the biggest sacrifice of not getting off the couch for two days after the procedure. Was it going to take? The anxiousness of not knowing was killing all of us. We went in for our first appointment a few weeks later so far so good, but we were warned that this doesn’t mean her body would accept the embryo. A few weeks later things where still fine and looking good. Still hard to believe that this was all going to come together after trying and working on it Dave and I were very cautiously excited. Then came the first Ultrasound. I was not able to be there because of COVID but Kelli brought me the photo of this teeny tiny dot on the ultrasound with arrow that read Baby. It was probably the first time that I felt such pure happiness since Ellie had passed. Is this going to be for real? Well then it was time for an important ultrasound the one that happens right before the 1st trimester ends. Through the process we read that several surrogates go into this ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. I was filled with mixed emotions as they let me go in with my sister. And then the Doctor says those magic words “Everything looks great” What an amazing sense of relief and excitement. Why all the details? Because a very select few have been told we were trying, and I had mixed reactions and lots of speculation and I do not want anyone to think we took this lightly or are trying to replace Ellie because there is no way anyone in this world could do that. Ellie has put her mark on this world, and I will continue to keep her memory alive through the foundation and helping other families fighting cancer. So here we are 18 weeks along. My Egg, Dave’s Sperm, Kelli’s (My sisters) Body and it’s all working out. I know that so many people will be happy for our family, but I also am very aware that I will have many people think negatively about this. To those people I just ask you to think twice before placing judgement. Until you have walked a day in my family’s shoes please do not judge. I must say I never dreamt I would be here. If you asked me 3 years ago I would tell you that you were crazy I never wanted to start over. But things and life happen and never say never. Jake is so excited, we told him we were going to announce the baby on Good Friday, and he couldn’t wait to spill the beans to a few of his friends. I am going to keep on blogging the journey as it moves forward. Sent from my iPhone On Apr 1, 2021, at 9:30 PM, Kyliew21 <[email protected]> wrote: How do I make this announcement? While we are ecstatic for our new adventures for our family we wish Ellie was here to share in the joy. I wanted to give some background on this exciting news and information. Our family is growing to 5, yes 5 because although Elie is no longer with us she is and always will be huge part of our family. How does this all come to, you ask? When Ellie and Jake where younger Dave and I wanted a third child, but god had a different plan for us. As my MS took affect and then Ellie got sick Dave and I at that point decided it would be selfish to have a child instead we dug down and focused on getting Ellie healthy. After Ellie’s passing I was just talking out loud to my sister and said, “I really want another child, for so many reasons”. My sister’s response without even hesitating “I will carry it for you”. I was in shock and disbelief. I knew with my MS carrying a child could get complicated although my Doctor did say she would pump me with steroids right after the baby was born and hopefully that would hold off the aftereffects that MS plays after having a baby. With my sister offering this made more sense. Now it was time to bring it up to Dave. Keep in mind this was not that long after losing Ellie, but I knew that we had a small window as I was not getting any younger and time was a factor. When I mentioned it to Dave he was hesitant and said no. In Dave’s mind he was thinking you are trying to replace Ellie and in my mind I was adding to our family giving our son a sibling to bond with and have when we are no longer here. Well, he pondered on it for a few weeks, and I dropped it thinking ok I guess it’s not going to happen. Then one day he came to me and said “Yes, let’s do it” I was in shock and disbelief because in my head I put the idea to rest. It was still not a done deal there where so many hoops to jump through. First we Started with talking with our son. He expressed several times he didn’t want to be an only child but was this just a phase? Was it because he lost his only sibling a few months prior? We sat down with Jake and spoke with him about the idea and before we could finish explaining he was a resounding YES, YES, YES I want a brother or sister please. Lots of talking happened explaining that it was not a done deal, and we would give it a try and see where it took us. We figured we would try and if god had it in the cards it would happen. The process didn’t stop there it was just the beginning, why am I going through this and explaining this because I want you all to know that none of this was taken lightly and we went through all avenues to make sure we were doing the right thing for us, our family, and our son.. With the help with my parents financially, insurance, and my sister offering this amazing gift things where on the way. Before we could move forward lots of phycologist appointments, and social work appointments happened. Ones with Dave, Myself, & Jake, ones with just me, ones with Dave and I as a couple, ones with my sister and her husband. You name it we wanted to check all boxes before starting the process. I then had to get approval from my neurologist, and she was a resounding yes. Another part of the puzzle piece falling into place. You might remember how I wrote that I met a young lady battling brain cancer in the doctor’s office and I felt Ellie’s presence well that encounter was at the fertility center. At that point It felt right it felt like Ellie was giving us her blessing. Keeping this a secret and going through the process was probably the hardest part of everything, the injections, the doctors upon doctors’ appointments. We ended up with 17 eggs. But then if you have gone through this process you would know that after a few days they call you and that number dwindles down so it ended up after 7 days 3 eggs made the cut, but Dave and I sent the eggs to be tested because we all too well knew that it was so important to help us have a healthy baby. Then the call comes in 3 weeks later and the results are in. The nurse calls and says, “you have 1 perfect egg.” 1 chance here, if it was meant to be, it was meant to be and if not god had a plan. Now it was my sisters turn to begin the injections and if you know my sister you would know this was an enormous sacrifice she is so anti shots that her husband would have to take the kids to the doctor to get the vaccines because she couldn’t be in the room. Then COVID hit and the process stalled. Kelli and I were wondering if this were ever going to happen. Our perfect embryo was sitting in a freezer just waiting for the elective surgeries to be allowed again. And then the phone call happened, and it was time. Kelli had to give the biggest sacrifice of not getting off the couch for two days after the procedure. Was it going to take? The anxiousness of not knowing was killing all of us. We went in for our first appointment a few weeks later so far so good, but we were warned that this doesn’t mean her body would accept the embryo. A few weeks later things where still fine and looking good. Still hard to believe that this was all going to come together after trying and working on it Dave and I were very cautiously excited. Then came the first Ultrasound. I was not able to be there because of COVID but Kelli brought me the photo of this teeny tiny dot on the ultrasound with arrow that read Baby. It was probably the first time that I felt such pure happiness since Ellie had passed. Is this going to be for real? Well then it was time for an important ultrasound the one that happens right before the 1st trimester ends. Through the process we read that several surrogates go into this ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. I was filled with mixed emotions as they let me go in with my sister. And then the Doctor says those magic words “Everything looks great” What an amazing sense of relief and excitement. Why all the details? Because a very select few have been told we were trying, and I had mixed reactions and lots of speculation and I do not want anyone to think we took this lightly or are trying to replace Ellie because there is no way anyone in this world could do that. Ellie has put her mark on this world, and I will continue to keep her memory alive through the foundation and helping other families fighting cancer. So here we are 18 weeks along. My Egg, Dave’s Sperm, Kelli’s (My sisters) Body and it’s all working out. I know that so many people will be happy for our family, but I also am very aware that I will have many people think negatively about this. To those people I just ask you to think twice before placing judgement. Until you have walked a day in my family’s shoes please do not judge. I must say I never dreamt I would be here. If you asked me 3 years ago I would tell you that you were crazy I never wanted to start over. But things and life happen and never say never. Jake is so excited, we told him we were going to announce the baby on Good Friday, and he couldn’t wait to spill the beans to a few of his friends. I am going to keep on blogging the journey as it moves forward.
Jake asked if he could be part of the announcement because he is very excited!! I told him tot open his eyes and he said I can't I am asian so this is what I got. He cracks me up.
Happy Sweet 16th Heavenly Birthday Ellie!Today was an emotional roller coaster as we cleaned out our downstairs/garage. We did smile as we went through Ellie's memory bin and saw how she labeled all her memories. It was super cute and made our hearts happy as we remembered Ellie and how cute she was. It was a crazy emotional day with lots of fun visits, Rak’s, and people stopping by. I know several friends wanted to come by and I had to cancel because we just where so busy and Dave was home from work, so we were trying to make the most of the day we had. Lots of Thanks to so many for all the amazing RAK’s I am sure I am missing several people as my husband would get it while he was cleaning out the garage and he would forget who dropped it off but for now I want to thank everyone that performed RAK’s in honor of Ellie today. I want to thank everyone for RAKing our family. We had several flower deliveries and I am sorry if I missed you on the thank you but know my heart is full and I am very appreciative. Lots of Thanks to so many for all the amazing RAK’s I am sure I am missing several people as my husband would get it while he was cleaning out the garage and he would forget who dropped it off but for now I want to thank everyone that performed RAK’s in honor of Ellie today. I want to thank everyone for RAKing our family. We had several flower deliveries and I am sorry if I missed you on the thank you but know my heart is full and I am very appreciative. 💚 First I wanted to thank our very dear good friends from California James and Kathy for making the amazing Elliestrong Masks and sending them to us to donate to nurses we know that could use a face shield. If you are a nurse and live close by I have a few more let me know I would be happy to get you one. 💚 Emmy Horn (Ellie’s Friend) I cannot thank you enough for stopping by and bringing flowers and a card 💚 My friend Tracy for starting my morning off with Coffee & DD Donuts. Also, for picking up and bringing several new things to RAK people through Hope and Friendship for me. While she stopped by to pick up the stuff we had a quick fun photo. It’s our own version of Sanford and Sons lol. 💚 Stood Family for doing all my RAK sign deliveries today. You have no idea how much that helped me out. 💚 Erin Gottardo (Ellie’s friend) for the gallon of Ellie’s favorite Ice Cream Mint Chocolate Chip 💚Just Hummus for dropping off #elliestrong Hummus for us to enjoy. 💚 Dinner RAK by Amy Scoville. The food was amazing but what was more amazing was seeing the smile on Jake’s face when he found out the meal was all around what he loves. Today he had emotions and told me he missed his sister. This really made his day and our day too we were exhausted, and it was so nice not to have to worry what we were doing for dinner. Through all the craziness today we found time to visit Ellie and Have some tears with her. We also where able to RAK other’s 💚 I was so excited to give some of Ellie’s Art stuff to my neighbor girls they were so cute and appreciative. Love having the girls next door. 💚 I was also able to contact and speak with the #elliestrong forever Scholarship winner. It was so nice to be able to surprise them on this very special day. 💚 I also was able to RAK several people through hope and friendship with Puzzle books, Journals, Art Kits, etc. for families in need 💚 My parents also RAKed 40 families in need with Pasta and Sauce this week. Thank you everyone for the love today and showing Ellie that we are all thinking of her today and spreading her kindness everywhere.  This week has been a very challenging week. It started with our Fridge/Freezer going down. We have been without a Fridge/Freezer since Friday and it makes for a very difficult time. Jake has been asking to move into Ellie’s room for this entire past year and when his dresser broke and we needed to replace it and he said instead of getting me new furniture just let me have Ellie’s. So, we decided to finally let him move into her room. This was probably the most challenging move for me. It was so emotional but as a mom I stayed strong and continued on. Ellie’s room is much larger so that’s why Jake wanted her room. I have to cover my sadness and emotional distress because how can I expect him to move on and handle the loss of his sister when his example is breaking down. It takes double the effort to keep it together. I belong to a Childhood Cancer Bereavement group and I constantly read how the parents shut down and don’t have normal holidays anymore and I just think what about the existing kids. Keeping things moving forward is important not only for our sanity but also my other child as Ellie was only half our world we have another ½ that we need to live and move on for. Well then like they say when it rains it pours and did it pour here in Lemont the other night. Our Garage/House sadly flooded. I stored all of Ellie’s Stuff downstairs and in garage, we lost a bunch of memorabilia it was extremely hard. We are in the process of the cleanup process which is long and exhausting. So far we rented a dumpster, Pod, De Humidifier and the Drywall guy is coming to give us estimate tomorrow. Because it was storage, and everything was floating we lost so much. Today I had a Dr. appointment and on the way I got the phone call from Insurance that nothing is covered. This is going to be a huge hit to Dave and me. So, on the way home from doctor I was feeling so down, depleted, exhausted, and ready to give up. And then a Green Semi Truck passed me by. It was like Ellie saying pep up and remember to be #Elliestrong it made things better in my mind. How can I be so down when Ellie was so strong? Well Today is Ellie’s 16th Birthday. A time where I should be taking her to get her drivers license taking her shopping and just enjoying having a girl to spoil on her 16th Birthday. This is another challenging day. On top of it the COVID put a wrench in all my Birthday Plans I had for her. But when you get knocked down you maneuver and find a new direction. Although all the amazing plans we had are on hold I came up with other ways to celebrate Ellie. If you drive around Lemont you will see green ribbons and lawn signs to celebrate Ellie. Also, a bunch of restaurants here in town are offering green items in honor of Ellie now through end of the month and with each order there will be a RAK card (random acts of kindness card given). The first 50 #elliestrong orders at each restaurant will get a #elliestrong bracelet. In honor of Ellie's birthday, please make sure you kill the restaurants will kindness and flood them with love. If you don’t live in Lemont its ok travel here in all our spare time we have during lock in place order. Pickup an order, eat and enjoy Ellie’s garden or picnic in Lemont. Make your rounds and get your delicious dinner and then the amazing desserts that are available. I am making my way through all the elliestrong items as my goal is to try each one by the end of the month. Secondly please RAK someone, perform at least one Rak (Random Act of Kindness) before the end of the month in honor of Ellie and post on Elliestrong Facebook page. I really could use some lifted spirits and the photos from the Ellie strong food Items and RAK’s will truly lift my spirits. Help me blow up the #elliestrong Facebook page with kindness and show Ellie that her 16th means so much and #elliestrong is still going strong. I attached all the photos of elliestrong specials here in lemont  So, I don’t blog very often these days, but I am up at 4am writing this because I cannot sleep. Once again I am in my thoughts of another important unforgettable day. Ellie’s wake or should I say celebration of life. I think I was stronger this day last year then I am today. Ellie gave me so much strength and I don’t know if It truly felt real. Just thinking about the loss of Ellie gets my heart beating faster and tears just roll down my face. I am so proud of her I just wish I would have told her this more often. Luckily Dave’s grief doesn’t affect him in the same way as he is working every day right now and no sleep would not make for a good workday. A dear friend Barbara Garcia took photos at Ellie’s celebration of life and just now is the first time I was able to even open them. I might be bias, but I really feel like Ellie’s wake was the most extraordinary special wakes I have every been too. From the 30 something posters of photos, to all the comfort dogs lined up for all to pet and enjoy, to the 2-hour line nonstop, to the entire Police and Fire Department coming in and giving their respects. I just remember non-stop from 2- after 10pm. I remember not even going to the bathroom. I cannot thank Terri O’Neil for helping plan this amazing event enough, I cannot thank Calvary Church for letting us have Ellie’s Wake there because a funeral home would be too small, I cannot thank Ellie’s Kindergarten teacher enough for getting all the comfort dogs to the church for all to enjoy, This can go on forever as so many people made this a very special memorable day. I just wish Ellie was there to see it. I know she was looking down but to be there in person and feel the love of so many. I gestated over 1200 people coming to see Ellie and show their respects. I remember sitting in the hospital and Ellie still was on the machines we already knew we would be taking her off life support but wanted to give the family the opportunity to spend some time with her. I remember sitting in the rocking chair in the family room and telling Terri and my family we need to plan her service. I think I felt so helpless that this was something I could have a little control over. To this day I find it so strange that I was planning her funeral before she even passed. Terri O’Neil made the entire thing a piece of cake she knew who to call what to do and how to make it all work. I cannot thank her enough for dropping everything and coming to the hospital that day to help and be my Chaplin. I miss Ellie everyday but to see the impact she has had on this small part of the world has really helped me get through each day. Please consider doing a RAK today, tomorrow, this weekend in Ellie’s Memory and post it on the #elliestrong Facebook page. These posts help me heal they help me see that Ellie was here to make a difference, she suffered, she passed so that her spirit, love, and kindness can live in each of you. My Immediate family got together and purchased 40 boxes of Ellie’s favorite Cereal and donated them to Hope and Friendship for delivery to families in need of food here in Lemont. Doing something kind really helps the heart and I think I get more out of it then the person receiving the RAK (random act of Kindness) Please remember RAK’s do not have to involve money it can be as simple as cutting your neighbor’s lawn or helping in some small way to make the world a better place. Everyone can use a pick me up right now as most of us are cooped up inside right now and trying to survive this epidemic. For the Month of May, Ellie’s sweet 16 Birthday Month. If you have the means please consider purchasing an Elliestrong Lawn Sign and display it proudly in honor of Ellie. They are front and back and cost $6 for pickup in Lemont, $10 for Delivery to Lemont. All proceeds from Deliveries will go the #elliestrong forever foundation helping families fighting cancer “Live on, Follow their Dreams” Although we cannot celebrate like we had hopped due to COVID we still can show our support with Green for the Month of May. Thank you everyone for helping Ellie’s Memory & Spirit live on. I put on here the Flyer for Hope and Friendship of families in need and items they are looking for donations (you can even shop wish list on amazon I will include the link below) and will include the link to purchase signs. Right now it will be pickup in Lemont or Delivery in Lemont for the #Elliestrong signs.
1 year ago... |
#elliestrong lawn signs will be available for purchase soon... Double Sided $6 |  |
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