Rough exhausting day with Ellie...

Today was a rough emotional day for me. Ellie woke up this morning with mood swings.  She was yelling at me about everything.  I typically would tell her that is unacceptable and to go in time out.  Unfortunately this is not really an option.  Because she then goes into a violent tendency and starts to call herself stupid and she hits herself in the head.  I cannot believe that 1ml of medicine causes these mood swings.  It is so frustrating. Ellie went to school and had a good day.  I was so happy after school because she came out and started to use her manners, which are far and few between these days.  I was really thinking that the day was looking up. 

Then Ellie had tutoring and it all began again.  She was not only rude to me but also her tutor Mrs. Wierenga.  In the past I would yell at her and once again tell her it was unacceptable.  Everytime I have done that in the past it gets worse and then Ellie shuts down.  Luckily Mrs. Weiranga is amazing with Ellie.  She got her to finally calm down and do some work.  She is so patient and sweet with Ellie.  It saddens me that District 113A is losing a fantastic teacher.  By the end of tutoring Ellie was actually  sweet again. 

My sister took Ellie to swim lessons tonight, she said Ellie did awesome.  It makes me so happy that she has full function of her legs and arms.  Ellie just has some weakness in her hips and paralysis of the one side of the face.  But that is even getting better with lots of therapy.  Now I only notice it when she is smiling or crying.  It’s always the hardest to watch her cry.  Her one eye does not produce any tears and her face gets paralyzed on the right side.  I just am praying with lots of therapy that it will come back to normal.  Ellie was in high spirits when she came home from swim lessons. 

Then we began homework.  And Ellie spent about 15 minutes telling me how awful I am and what a bad mommy and how I know nothing and etc.  Well at this point I lost it.  I was mad I was just really hurt.  I could not hold back the tears.  I try so hard to not cry in front of my kids but this was one time I just couldn’t help it. I try so hard every day to be the best mom possible for her and every day since the surgery she has told me she wants a new mom and that I am no good.  Another difficult thing is that Ellie feels that I should only talk to her and not Jake.  She gets really jealous easily.  This is all very new to me.  Ellie has met so many people after her surgery.  I just wish they all knew her before and how she was a sweet little girl.  I get so embarrassed by her behavior because this is not how I have raised her. 

Every day I pray that this is just a side effect of the seizure medication.  But it will always be in the back of my mind, what if it is not and this is my child from now on.  I guess I will take this child better than nothing.  I do truly love her with all my heart and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But I do wish that she was herself.  What a crazy 2011 we have had so far and its only March. Boy it’s going to be a long year.  Lots of prayers for my Ellie. 

I did get a hug out of her before she went to bed and she told me she loved me.  She does say sorry after she goes on a rant.  I love her sooooo muuuuccchhhhh.

P.S. Dont forget about the kids helping kids event at Jeffrey Lamorte this Sunday.  $10 kids cuts.  Ice cream sundae's.  Have your kids get a cut while helping the Ellie Fund.  There is not a day that goes by that I dont get a bill for Ellie's medical care.  Thanks to Jeffrey Lamorte for hosting this event for Ellie.  Make your apointments now or just walk in for a cut.