some difficult news to swallow..

So today was an extremely emotionally day for me.  Last night before bed Ellie and I talked about going to the hospital.  She cried and told me she didn’t want to go.  Then she proceeded to tell me she just wanted to be Ellie again, and not a sick little girl.  I tried to console her and tell her that she still was Ellie and that we had to take this medicine to help the bump in the head. 

She then asked “why did god give me this bump”

 I then told her “God new you were a strong little girl and you could handle it” 

She also said “why am I sick why not Kolton, Jake, Kenton, it’s not fair”

At this point I had to walk away because tears started to welt up.  Dave laid with her until she fell asleep.  She did have several nightmares throughout the night. 

We woke up this morning at 5am and began our journey downtown. We actually had a quick trip down for the first time in a long while.  We got down there at 7am, by the time we parked and got up to oncology it was 7:30am.  Ellie got hooked up to her IV and we then met with the nurse.  After this we headed over to a different department in the hospital to do her Audio Test.  The test was an hour long.  Ellie handled it like a pro.  I was extremely nervous when they came back and said we need to take a few more tests.  Ellie did a great job and then my mom took Ellie back to the day hospital to get a bed and get settled. I spoke and got the results from the audiologist and hearing social worker.  They then informed me that Ellie has hearing loss in her right ear, and they want to try a hearing aid.  They also informed me that this is a side effect of chemo.  They told me that it might not get worse or it could get worse as chemo goes on, but it would never come back.  It was a blow to say the least.  They gave me a book and a puppet to talk to Ellie about hearing aids.  It took every muscle in my body not to start to cry.  I know that it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things and that several people need hearing aids but this is just too much.  It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. 

I went back and tried to explain to Ellie what we will be facing in the future but I just couldn’t get through it.  I made a discussion to hold off till tomorrow, I did touch a little bit on the idea. We will now have to add once a month audio tests to our list of things to do.  It was such a rough day that when I got home this afternoon I passed out and just woke up a little bit ago.  I realize this is just an adjustment and we will make it work.